Positive Parenting

"You can not build a positive on a negative foundation."

Carleen Tanner

 

Many years ago, before I even had any kids a friend of mine took a class from the above mentioned woman. I recall hearing about it. I even have the CD's from the class. I listened to them. I found them quite interesting. Nothing earth shattering was contained in the words of this woman. Common sense. Parenting is a hard work. You need specific goals. You need to be consistent. All of this seemed easy peasy-way back when, before any kids actually entered the picture. My attitude was "I got this!" How hard can it really be?

 

 

Enter baby #1 into the picture. Life was changed forever. Being positive in my caring, teaching, and nurturing of her wasn't too challenging. Megan was a pretty easy going kiddo. The 2's and 3's had some challenging days, but she was the only one. It was fairly easy to keep my voice calm and collected, even when she was being a typical child. I don't really believe that spanking or any type of physical discipline does a whole lot to change negative behaviors-so not an issue, again with only 1 kiddo!

 

Six years later, arrival of baby #2. Life again was changed. It had been a long time since we had a baby in our home. Megan was in Kindergarten all day-which left me home with James all day. Life was changed, but things were still moving along pretty easily. James was a good baby-a FANTASTIC sleeper and pretty laid back. Then bam-when James was 9 months old, baby #3 was on the way.

 

 

Enter baby #3. Trey's arrival was right when James started entering the wonderful/terrible 2's. For those without children this happens around 18 months and goes until the child is about 4 years old. The terrible 2's is just a saying that is supposed to make mom's feel better. Make them feel like they will be able to endure 1 year of independent behaviors-too bad any mom will tell you this lasts for at least 2 years! Life was crazy. Trey was full of challenging baby behaviors. Trey did not sleep well...a-t- ALL! Mom was frazzled. Mom was cranky. Mom was yelling...A-L-O-T! Mom felt out of control at times. And then, to add to all the fun. On a Friday night, mom found out she was having baby #4. Mom cried!

 

 

Enter baby #4. Cambree was my best pregnancy. Her delivery was something that could have been out of a birthing movie. About a 15 minute labor and a smooth breath the baby out delivery! It was wonderful! However, remember all the descriptions about how mom was after baby #3-well adding baby #4 magnified a lot of those negative behaviors. Mom was really overwhelmed. So many little people, not enough mom! Demand after demand-piled on top of little to no sleep=un happy momma!

 

Mom pulled out the parenting CD's from way back when. Listening to them brought an entirely different response this time. No way can I implement any of this positive business. Sure, Carleen had 10 kids in 12 years-but she surely didn't have any like mine! The list was endless. Mom knew something needed to change. She didn't like yelling too much. She didn't like feeling like a crazy woman! She didn't like the constant feeling of being wound up too tight and at any given moment she would need to admit herself to an insane asylum!

 

As baby #4 has grown, life has gotten a bit easier. All the kids have grown and learned to do a few more things independently. Life is not easy, rather easier. Mom still feels like a crazy person often, but since weaning baby #4 she feels more like herself. Certain that has something to do with hormones. Anyhow, about a month ago mom heard about the opportunity to take a Positive Parenting class from the woman on the parenting cd's. Hallelujah! Perfect timing and perfect to get this parenting gig back on track!

 

Last night was the first class. It was fantastic. Carleen was fantastic. She was real. She was funny. She was firm. She said or taught what I needed to hear. The class is 10 weeks long. Each session will conclude with homework for the following week. She said by week 3 most of the women will be sure they can't do this and they will want to give up. The men will be happy with the progress they have made and believe they are doing great! Why are women so hard on themselves? Anyhow, the homework for this week:

 

1.Watch yourself, as a parent, How do I teach my children?

2. Look at the 9 tools & work on 1

    THE TOOLS

Build on strengths, accentuate the positive; tell them what TO DO rather than what NOT TO DO

Keep your word

Use the language of respect (please, thank-you, etc)

Use eye-contact and teach at eye-level

Use frequent, positive and warm physical contact

Emotionally keep the child out of the corner

Ask questions, listen to their feelings without correcting them, validate them

Be in their space, not in their face!

 

3. Read a talk by Robert D Hales May 2010 "Duty to God-The Mission of Parents"

 

Sister Tanner said many times that we teach our children to misbehave. We teach them to not listen to us. We think we are teaching them what is right by telling them to stop doing whatever it may be they are doing. In fact, we are teaching them the opposite of what we think we are. Anyhow, I was trying to think how I could change the way I talk to my kids to get them to respond better. I could see how what she was saying was true, but having difficulty in the actual application. Her other challenge to us was to let our faces show that we truly do enjoy what we are doing-being parents. Too many times we say we enjoy having kids, but our facial expression contradicts that statement.

 

I am happy to report that I have seen a huge difference in the 1/2 day I have been trying to talk to my kids by telling them what I want them to do vs what not to do. It is hard. It requires thinking through what I say before I say it. I have been trying to let my voice and facial expressions be happier. The boys have responded well. They actually listened and did what I wanted them to do! To say that I was shocked is an understatement. I expected this new way of talking to take some time for them to adjust to. So far, I am the one who has to adjust-they are responding well. Again, it has only been about 5 hours, but so far today is going great!

 

I challenge anyone who is looking at ways to be a better parent to look at the basic tools I posted and see if you could implement any in your own home. Looking forward to the next 9 weeks and learning to implement her other positive parenting suggestions! She said her class is about percentages; for example-if you yell 100% of the time now, by the end of the class if you are anywhere lower than 100% you are being successful and are on the right track! Such a positive way to look at it. Trying to be at 0% yelling would be overwhelming, but looking at just decreasing it at all as a success is much more motivating!

 

I hope everyone has a great day today! Look for one positive thing you can do as a parent today!